🫙 Jars of Things
You Actually Need 🫙

Certified. Artisanal. Absolutely ridiculous.
The gift for people you love, people you tolerate,
and people who desperately need to be told something. 🌈

Small batch  ·  Ethically overthought  ·  Mindfully packaged  ·  Radically unnecessary

👇
Small batch  ·  Ethically overthought  ·  Mindfully packaged  ·  Radically unnecessary  ·  Lovingly shipped  ·  Entirely unregulated
☀️ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows   |   ☀️ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows   |   ☀️ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows   |   ☀️ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows   |  

🛒 Shop Our Exquisite Range

⭐ BESTSELLER 🌟

Jar of Happiness™

Vanilla · Single Origin Joy · Small Batch

For the person who needs a little reminder that life is, occasionally, absolutely wonderful.

🕯️ Vanilla scented candle (like your dead gran used to love)
+ a Certified Certificate of Happiness™
(Legally binding in 0 countries)
$19.95 USD
+ postage & handling (not included, nothing is ever free)
💪 TOUGH LOVE 🪨

Jar of Harden The F**k Up™

Cedarwood · Artisan Backbone · Cold Process

For the special someone in your life who needs a firm but loving nudge back to reality.

🕯️ Cedarwood scented candle (even hard people like nice smells)
+ a Certified Certificate of Toughness™
(Do not eat. Seriously.)
$19.95 USD
+ postage & handling (life is hard, shipping is harder)
🤫 SUBTLE HINT 🤐

Jar of Shut The F**k Up™

Lavender · Single Estate Silence · Reserve Edition

The most diplomatic way to tell someone to absolutely, completely, and immediately stop talking.

🕯️ Lavender scented candle (light it, breathe, and be quiet)
+ a Certificate of Eloquent Silence™
$19.95 USD
+ postage & handling (unlike the recipient, we know when to stop)

☀️ What's Actually Inside the Jar of Happiness™

Sunshine. Puppies. Fresh sheets. Hot chocolate. Not getting stabbed. Rain on a tin roof. Shaking a newborn baby's hand. Hot donuts. New book smell. Pillows. Proving your spouse wrong. An unexpected kiss. Quick internet. Red wine. Hugs. Music. Freshly baked bread. Your uncle who no one liked being hit by a car and leaving you his vintage car collection. Spontaneous laughter. Clicking unsubscribe. Getting retweets. When someone cancels plans you didn't want to go to anyway. The smell of rain on hot concrete. Old people holding hands. Dogs that wag their whole body. An unexpected quirky present in the form of a jar of happiness. Share the love. Buy a jar of happiness-infused happiness for someone who needs it and we will love you.

(Also a vanilla scented candle. Like your dead gran used to love.)

🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟

Certificate of Happiness™

This certifies that the bearer has received a genuine, artisanal, completely made-up dose of happiness and is hereby required by no law whatsoever to feel at least slightly better about everything.

✍️ Chief Happiness Officer
(That's us. We gave ourselves the title.)
🌈 All happy and clouds and sunshine   |   🌈 All happy and clouds and sunshine   |   🌈 All happy and clouds and sunshine   |   🌈 All happy and clouds and sunshine   |  

⚗️ Our Sacred Process

From concept to jar — a deeply intentional journey

01 Intention Setting

We think carefully about who in your life is currently the most in need of a candle and a nudge.

02 Artisan Sourcing

Premium candles are selected. The jar is sourced. The label is printed. This is genuinely the whole process.

03 Hand Labelling

A label is applied. By a machine. But we prefer to say "by hand" because it sounds considerably better.

04 Conscious Dispatch

Your jar embarks on a deeply intentional journey toward the recipient. Via standard post.

💬 Words From the People

Genuine reactions from real humans (probably)

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"I sent this to my sister and she cried. I consider that a complete and total success. 10/10 would make cry again."

— S.M., Melbourne · Jar of Happiness™
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"My brother needed to be told to harden up. I couldn't say it myself. The jar said it for me. We're speaking again now. Kind of."

— D.K., Auckland · Jar of HTFU™
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"Bought this for my colleague who won't stop talking about their podcast. The message was received. The podcast was not cancelled. But there is hope."

— Anonymous, London · Jar of STFU™

🎁 Funny Gift Ideas for Every Person on Your List

Pick a person. We'll match them to a jar.

💐

For Mom (or Mother's Day)

Soft and funny. The funny mom gift she'll actually keep on the shelf — way better than another bouquet that dies in a week.

→ Jar of Happiness
👨‍🦳

For Dad (or Father's Day)

The funny Father's Day gift for a dad who complains about everything. Ships fast in the USA — beats yet another tie.

→ Jar of HTFU
🎄

For Secret Santa

The single best Secret Santa gift under $20. Lands the laugh, fits the budget cap, gets passed around the office until New Year.

→ Jar of STFU
🐘

For White Elephant or Yankee Swap

The jar people steal. Funny enough to win the room, real enough that the winner actually wants it.

→ Jar of STFU
💪

For the Gym Bro / Husband / Brother

The funny gift for guys who take themselves too seriously, complain about cardio, and own a foam roller.

→ Jar of HTFU
💼

For the Coworker Who Won't Stop Talking

The funny office gift that makes a point politely. Slide it on their desk. Walk away. Smile to yourself.

→ Jar of STFU
🎓

For a Graduate

Sending a grad off into the real world? A jar of bottled happiness beats another generic "congratulations" mug.

→ Jar of Happiness
💌

For a Get-Well Gift

Beats a fruit basket. Funny enough to make them smile in the hospital bed and useful long after they're back on their feet.

→ Jar of Happiness

For a Funny Retirement Gift

He's about to spend 20 years complaining about lawnmowers and the news. Get ahead of it.

→ Jar of HTFU
🍎

For a Teacher or Nurse

The end-of-year teacher gift that doesn't get re-gifted. Same goes for nurses, therapists, and anyone in a hard job.

→ Jar of Happiness
🎂

For a Funny Birthday Gift

Lands the joke, doesn't ruin the cake. Pick the jar that matches the birthday person's personality.

→ Pick a Jar
🏠

For a Roommate or Housemate

The funny passive-aggressive gift that says "I love living with you BUT." Without saying it.

→ Jar of STFU

❓ Funny Gift Candle FAQ

The questions people ask before clicking "buy."

What makes Jars of Things™ a good funny gift?
Each candle is a hand-poured 9oz soy candle paired with a printed certificate — Certificate of Certified Happiness, Certificate of Hardening, or Certificate of Silence. They land between gag gift and actual usable candle, which is exactly the sweet spot people are looking for when buying funny gifts under $20.
Are these good Secret Santa or white elephant gifts?
Yes — at $19.95 they sit perfectly inside most Secret Santa and white elephant price limits ($20, $25, or $30 caps), they're funny enough to win the table, and they're a real candle so the recipient actually keeps them. The Jar of STFU and Jar of HTFU are particularly strong for office gift exchanges.
Which jar is the funniest gift?
Depends on who you're buying for. Jar of Happiness is the safe-but-still-funny choice for moms, friends, teachers, nurses, or anyone going through a rough patch. Jar of HTFU is the funny gift for dads, brothers, gym bros, or anyone who needs tough love. Jar of STFU is the passive-aggressive funny gift for a chatty coworker, roommate, or know-it-all.
How long does shipping take in the USA?
Orders are produced and shipped from within the United States. Standard delivery is typically 1–2 business days handling plus 3–7 business days transit, so most US orders arrive within about a week. Plenty of lead time for a Father's Day, Secret Santa, or birthday order.
Are these real scented candles or just gag prop candles?
Real candles. Each one is a hand-poured 9oz soy candle that burns and smells like a real candle (vanilla, cedarwood, and lavender across the three jars). The funny labels and certificates are the joke; the candles themselves are the genuine article.
Can I send a jar directly to someone as a gift?
Yes — at checkout you can ship to any US address. There's no invoice or pricing in the package, so it works for surprise gifts, last-minute birthdays, or "thinking of you" mailings without showing your hand.
What's the price?
$19.95 USD per jar, plus US shipping calculated at checkout. That puts every jar inside the under-$20 funny-gift range and under most Secret Santa / white elephant caps.